just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
