Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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