____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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