We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Small penises have feelings too.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
