have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
