And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My penis needs a shock collar
I think weed is turning my hair brown
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.