maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
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So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
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Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?