My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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