Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I forget how to act sober
Randomize