I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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