So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
