What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
