i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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