i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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