So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
