It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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