I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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