What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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