i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
My bed smells like the plague
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
