I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
