I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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