My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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