My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
There's even glitter on my cock...
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