I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
