Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Randomize
