Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
