Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
