and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
