we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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