tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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