I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
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