Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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