I hope mine doesn't look like that
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
