some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
