Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
