No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
