Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
honey bunches of taint.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
