Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
