she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
