If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
