Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
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In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
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I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Dicks are not precious.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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