I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
