well I can't set my house on fire every night
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
