I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
