and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
