She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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