Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
