apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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