I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
