My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
