I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
