How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
