Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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