apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
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I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
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A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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