I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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