I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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