She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
