I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
